The Assertiveness-Confidence Feedback Loop
Confidence is a feeling built by assertive action, not summoned at will
Fisher's Assertiveness-Confidence Feedback Loop reframes the common question 'How do I feel confident?' as the wrong question entirely. Confidence is a feeling, like happiness or anger--it cannot be summoned on demand. The correct question is 'What can I do to create experiences that build my confidence?' The answer is assertiveness: confidence in motion.
The framework reveals that assertiveness and confidence form a self-reinforcing positive feedback loop. Speaking more assertively produces the feeling of confidence, and newfound confidence emboldens you to speak more assertively. To enter this loop, Fisher provides ten concrete lessons in assertive language, including: every word matters (removing 'just' from sentences), prove it to yourself (say what you will do then do it), express needs unapologetically (replace over-apologizing with gratitude), speak when it matters (confident people have the urge to say nothing), say less (fewer words mean more impact), remove filler words (replace them with silence), never undersell (eliminate self-deprecating openers), cut the excess (remove adverbs that dilute), fall back on experience (when you do not know, anchor in what you do know), and say 'I'm confident' (the listener associates the word with you).
The framework also addresses tone, eye contact, and cadence as the physical embodiment of assertive communication.
- Confidence is a feeling built through assertive action, not a trait you are born with.
- Assertiveness and confidence feed each other in a positive feedback loop.
- Every word you select directly impacts your ability to assert yourself.
- The fewer words you use, the clearer your point and the more confident you sound.
- Your self-worth is not tied to how little an inconvenience you can be.
- Audit your language for confidence-killersReview your recent emails, texts, and conversations for words and phrases that undermine your assertiveness: 'just,' 'sort of,' 'I guess,' 'sorry to bother you,' 'does that make sense?' and filler words like 'um,' 'like,' and 'you know.' These patterns are invisible to you but obvious to your listeners.Pro tipSearch your sent emails for the word 'just' and see how many times removing it makes the sentence stronger.
- Replace apologies with gratitudeStop over-apologizing for existing. Replace 'Sorry I'm late' with 'Thank you for your patience.' Replace 'Sorry to bother you' with 'I appreciate your help.' Replace 'Sorry for all the questions' with 'Thank you for clarifying that for me.' Save real apologies for when they matter.WarningThis does not mean you never apologize. Real apologies for real mistakes are essential. This targets only the unnecessary, reflexive apologies that erode your self-esteem.
- Say what you will do, then do itUse present-tense action statements: 'I'm moving forward from this conversation,' 'I'm attaching the contract,' 'I'm going to leave the room.' Then follow through. This builds self-trust--you prove to yourself that you are someone who does what they say.Pro tipThink of it as calling your shot in a game of pool. Stating your intention before acting demonstrates self-assurance and builds your credibility.WarningIf you say you will do something and then do not follow through, you actively undermine your own credibility. Only state intentions you will honor.
- Pick one lesson and apply it this weekDo not try to implement all ten lessons at once. Choose the one assertiveness lesson you struggle with most and focus exclusively on it until it becomes second nature. Then add another. Build your assertiveness vocabulary incrementally.Pro tipStart with removing filler words or unnecessary apologies--these are the quickest wins with the most immediate impact on how you sound.
Fisher demonstrates how removing a single word transforms confidence. 'I just wanted to touch base on the outline' sounds hesitant and apologetic. 'I wanted to touch base on the outline' asserts exactly what you want to do. Similarly, 'I'm sort of wondering if I should maybe ask the team' becomes 'I'll ask the team.'
At Fisher's prior law firm, during heated partners' meetings, one person constantly poked holes in every proposal without contributing solutions. They had the fewest hours, least billings, and weakest grasp of the firm's direction--yet spoke the most. Meanwhile, the most valued senior partner hardly spoke, and when they did, everyone stopped and paid attention.
Fisher built this framework from observing that 'How do I feel confident?' was by far the most-asked question he received from followers. He realized the question itself was flawed because feelings cannot be flipped on like a switch. Drawing from his courtroom experience, where assertive language directly impacts case outcomes, he codified ten specific language patterns that consistently produce the feeling of confidence through repeated assertive action. The framework reflects his observation that insecure people have the urge to say everything (proving they have everything to prove), while confident people have the urge to say nothing (they have nothing to prove).