The Seven Deadly Sins of Speaking
Seven habits that make people stop listening to you
The Seven Deadly Sins of Speaking identifies the common habits that cause people to stop listening. Julian Treasure, a sound and communication expert, assembled these seven patterns that we can all fall into, each of which undermines our ability to be heard and to make change in the world.
The seven sins are: gossip (speaking ill of someone not present), judging (making the listener feel evaluated and found wanting), negativity (a persistent negative orientation that drains listeners), complaining (viral misery that spreads darkness rather than sunshine), excuses (using a blamethrower to avoid responsibility), embroidery/exaggeration (which demeans language and eventually becomes lying), and dogmatism (confusing facts with opinions and bombarding others with beliefs presented as truth).
Awareness of these sins is the first step because most people engage in several of them unconsciously. The person gossiping will be gossiping about you five minutes later. The constant complainer is not spreading sunshine in the world. The dogmatist is forcing others to listen into the wind. By identifying and reducing these patterns, you remove the barriers that prevent people from wanting to listen to you, creating space for powerful, change-making communication.
- The human voice is the most powerful sound in the world. It can start a war or say I love you.
- We need to move away from these seven habits to speak powerfully and make change in the world.
- The person gossiping about someone will be gossiping about you five minutes later.
- Complaining is viral misery. It is not spreading sunshine and lightness in the world.
- Audit Your Speaking HabitsOver the next week, observe your own conversations for instances of the seven sins: gossip, judging, negativity, complaining, excuses, exaggeration, and dogmatism. Most people engage in several of these unconsciously and chronically. You cannot fix what you do not notice. Pay particular attention to which sins you default to under stress or in casual conversation, as these are your deepest patterns and the ones most likely to cause people to tune out when you speak.Pro tipAsk a trusted friend or colleague to point out when you fall into one of the seven sins. We are often blind to our own habitual patterns.
- Replace Each Sin with Its Positive AlternativeFor each sin you identify in your speech, consciously replace it with a positive alternative. Replace gossip with genuine interest in people who are present. Replace judging with curiosity about others perspectives. Replace negativity with realistic optimism. Replace complaining with problem-solving. Replace excuses with ownership. Replace exaggeration with precise language. Replace dogmatism with intellectual humility and clear distinction between facts and opinions.Pro tipFocus on eliminating your worst one or two sins first rather than trying to fix all seven simultaneously.WarningDo not become so self-conscious about avoiding the sins that you stop speaking naturally. The goal is gradual habit change, not rigid self-censorship.
- Build on the HAIL FoundationStand on four cornerstones that make speech powerful and welcomed: Honesty (being true in what you say, being straight and clear), Authenticity (just being yourself, standing in your own truth), Integrity (being your word, actually doing what you say, being someone people can trust), and Love (wishing people well, which tempers honesty with compassion and makes judgment impossible). When you stand on HAIL, your words will be received enthusiastically because people trust the source.Pro tipAbsolute honesty without love can be cruel. Tempered with love, honesty becomes a great thing. If you are really wishing somebody well, it is very hard to judge them at the same time.
Treasure shares that his mother, in the last years of her life, became very negative. He recalls telling her It is October 1 today, to which she responded I know, is it not dreadful? This simple exchange illustrates how pervasive negativity makes it nearly impossible for others to engage with or listen to you, even when they love you.
Julian Treasure, a sound and communication expert, presented this framework in his 2013 TED talk which has become one of the most-watched TED talks on communication. Treasure drew on his decades of work studying how sound and speaking affect human behavior and attention. He observed that many people experience the frustration of speaking but not being heard, and realized that the problem often lies not in what people say but in the habits that surround their speech. He assembled the seven sins from common patterns he observed across cultures and contexts, pairing them with the HAIL framework as the positive alternative.