Getting to Unknow Yourself
Freedom comes from questioning the stories you have been telling yourself about who you are
Lori Gottlieb's framework of Getting to Unknow Yourself challenges the assumption that self-knowledge means knowing who you are. Instead, real growth comes from questioning the stories you have been telling yourself about your identity, your relationships, and your place in the world. As a psychotherapist, Gottlieb sees how people construct narratives about themselves that feel absolutely true but are actually selective interpretations that keep them stuck. These narratives have a protagonist (usually the storyteller as either hero or victim), a villain (often an ex, a parent, or circumstances), and a plot that confirms the story the person wants to believe. The therapeutic process involves helping people see that their stories are just one version of events, and that by unknowing what they thought was fixed truth about themselves, they create space for change. The hierarchy of pain concept complements this - people minimize their suffering by comparing it to others' worse situations, but this comparison prevents them from addressing their genuine emotional needs.
- The stories we tell about ourselves are selective interpretations, not objective truth
- We create narratives with protagonists and villains that keep us stuck in familiar roles
- The hierarchy of pain prevents us from addressing real emotional needs by minimizing our own suffering
- Vulnerability and sharing stories creates connection because emotions are universal even when circumstances differ
- Real change requires unknowing what you thought was fixed about yourself
- Identify Your Self-NarrativeWrite down the story you tell about yourself - who you are, why you are the way you are, what happened to you, and who is responsible. Notice the structure: who is the protagonist? Who is the villain? What is the plot? Most people's narratives cast themselves as either the hero overcoming adversity or the victim of circumstances beyond their control. Neither version is the complete truth.Pro tipPay attention to the story you tell when meeting new people or explaining yourself - that rehearsed narrative is your operating story
- Question the NarrativeChallenge each element of your story by asking: is this the only interpretation? What would the other characters in my story say? What details am I leaving out? What role did I play in creating the situation I blame on others? This is not about self-blame but about seeing the full picture rather than the curated version. A therapist, trusted friend, or journal can help you see blind spots in your narrative.Pro tipAsk someone you trust to tell you what they notice you consistently leave out of your storyWarningThis process can feel threatening because our narratives serve a protective function - approach with curiosity rather than judgment
- Release the Hierarchy of PainStop minimizing your own suffering by comparing it to others who have it worse. When you feel sad, anxious, or struggling, resist the urge to dismiss it because you have a roof over your head and food on the table. You would not ignore physical symptoms because someone else has a more serious disease. Emotional health deserves the same attention. Acknowledging your pain is not self-indulgent - it is the prerequisite for addressing it.Pro tipNotice when you say phrases like I know others have it worse or I should not complain - these are hierarchy of pain signals
- Rewrite with Compassion and AccuracyOnce you have identified and questioned your narrative, begin writing a more complete version that includes your agency, your blind spots, and the complexity that the original version flattened. This new narrative should be compassionate toward yourself while also being honest about your role. The goal is not to replace one fixed story with another but to hold multiple perspectives simultaneously and recognize that your identity is not fixed.Pro tipThe new narrative should make you feel both accountable and compassionate toward yourself - if it only has one, keep working
Gottlieb chose to share her most vulnerable story at The Moth - how she became a single mother through sperm donation in her late 30s after not finding a life partner. She expected the audience to see her as different or unusual, but instead they connected deeply with the universal emotions of uncertainty, risk-taking, and knowing something in every cell of your body despite overwhelming doubt.
Gottlieb developed this framework through her dual experience as a therapist and as a therapy patient, which she documented in her bestselling book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. She discovered that both she and her patients were trapped in stories about themselves that felt like objective truth but were actually carefully curated narratives that served protective functions. Her experience telling her own vulnerable story at The Moth in 2014 about becoming a single mother through sperm donation taught her that sharing our stories reveals how universal our emotions are, even when the specific circumstances are unique.