Taking Back Joy
Give yourself permission to experience happiness alongside grief
After loss or trauma, one of the most insidious secondary losses is the loss of joy itself. Survivor guilt acts as a thief, making any moment of happiness feel like a betrayal. Sandberg experienced this viscerally when she burst into tears on a dance floor not because she was sad, but because for one moment she felt happy and was immediately crushed by guilt. This framework is about deliberately reclaiming the activities and experiences that bring joy, even while grief persists.
The approach has two components. First, recognize that the deceased or lost version of life would want you to be happy. Sandberg's brother-in-law Rob told her that Dave would never have wanted his death to steal her happiness. Second, actively 'take back' the things that connected you to joy, even if they are associated with the loss. Sandberg's family adopted the mantra 'we take it back' and deliberately resumed activities that Dave had loved: playing board games, watching football, hosting poker nights with friends who stepped in to continue traditions.
Research supports this approach. A meaningful life requires both purpose and pleasure. Focusing only on meaning without joy leads to depression. The framework does not suggest forcing happiness but rather removing the self-imposed barriers that prevent it from arriving naturally.
- Survivor guilt is a secondary loss that compounds the original pain
- The person you lost would not want their death to steal your happiness
- Avoiding joy does not honor the deceased; it punishes the living
- A meaningful life without joy is a depressing one
- Actively reclaim activities associated with loss instead of surrendering them
- Recognize the Joy EmbargoAudit your life and notice what you have stopped doing since the adversity. Movies, dinners, hobbies, social events, games, music. You may not have consciously decided to stop; the avoidance happens automatically. Making the pattern visible is the first step to breaking it.
- Externalize PermissionMany people cannot give themselves permission to be happy but can accept it from someone else. Ask a trusted person--a family member of the deceased, a therapist, a close friend--to explicitly tell you that joy is not a betrayal. Sandberg needed Rob and Amy to give her this permission before she could take the first step.
- Take Back One ThingChoose one activity connected to your loss and deliberately reclaim it. Sandberg's family pulled out the board game they had been playing when Dave was last alive. Her daughter chose Dave's gray game pieces. When her son protested, Sandberg said: 'She can be gray. We take things back.' Start with one thing and let the momentum build.
- Build Joy MomentumEach reclaimed activity makes the next one easier. Celebrate every birthday instead of treating them as reminders of mortality. Root for the teams your loved one cheered for. Host the traditions they started. Over time, these activities become sources of connection rather than solely sources of pain.
Settlers of Catan was the game Sandberg was playing during her last waking moments with Dave. After his death, the game sat untouched on a shelf for months. One afternoon, Sandberg matter-of-factly asked her kids if they wanted to play. Her daughter pulled out the gray pieces--Dave's color. When her son protested, Sandberg said 'She can be gray. We take things back.' The mantra extended to football teams, poker nights, and eventually all the traditions Dave had loved.
At a childhood friend's bat mitzvah, months into widowhood, Sandberg was pulled onto the dance floor by a friend. Dancing to a familiar song, she experienced a flash of genuine happiness for the first time since Dave's death. The happiness was instantly followed by crushing guilt, reducing her to tears. Adam Grant pointed out that she had stopped doing everything that brought her joy and was unconsciously punishing herself. Dave's brother Rob delivered the message that unlocked recovery: 'Since the day Dave met you, all he ever wanted was to make you happy. He would want you to be happy even now. Don't take that away from him.' The family then began deliberately reclaiming joyful activities.