The Lean-In-to-the-Suck Method
Reduce suffering by expecting and accepting pain rather than fighting it
When adversity strikes, most people experience a 'second derivative' of suffering: they are not just sad, they are sad about being sad. They are not just anxious, they are anxious about being anxious. This meta-suffering amplifies the original pain by layering judgment and resistance on top of it. The Lean-In-to-the-Suck method, named after advice Sandberg received from her rabbi, is the practice of expecting pain, accepting it as normal, and thereby removing the surprise and self-judgment that compound it.
The approach draws on Buddhist philosophy (the first noble truth that all life involves suffering), cognitive behavioral techniques (expecting negative feelings reduces their impact), and the psychological immune system (the brain's natural defense mechanisms work better when they are not fighting the additional battle of self-recrimination). When you stop being surprised by pain, you stop expending energy resisting it. When you stop judging yourself for feeling bad, the secondary wave of suffering subsides.
Practically, this means making peace with the reality that recovery is not linear. Bad days will come after good days. Grief will resurface at unexpected moments. The work is not to eliminate these experiences but to greet them with acceptance rather than alarm. Sandberg found that accepting grief as a demanding companion rather than an enemy to defeat was a turning point in her recovery.
- The second derivative of suffering (being upset about being upset) often hurts more than the original pain
- Expecting pain reduces its shock value and frees energy currently spent on resistance
- Grief and hardship are not enemies to defeat but companions to accept
- Humans are evolutionarily wired for recovery; the tools are built in but require acceptance to work
- Recovery is not linear; accepting bad days after good days prevents the spiral of discouragement
- Name the Second DerivativeNotice when you are not just suffering but suffering about suffering. 'I am anxious about being anxious.' 'I am ashamed that I am still sad.' 'I am frustrated that I cried again.' Naming this secondary layer is the first step to releasing it.
- Set Expectations LowBefore difficult moments (holidays, anniversaries, returning to a place associated with loss), explicitly tell yourself it will be awful. This is not pessimism; it is realism that removes the additional pain of unmet expectations. When Sandberg accepted her rabbi's advice, the worst moments became more bearable because they were no longer also surprising.
- Breathe Through the WavesWhen acute pain arrives, use structured breathing to ride through it rather than fighting it. Sandberg's mother taught her the 6-6-6 technique. Her goddaughter held her hand and counted aloud until the panic subsided. Physical techniques anchor you in the body and prevent the mind from spiraling into meta-suffering.
- Accept Non-Linear RecoveryGood days will be followed by bad days. Laughter will be followed by tears. This does not mean you are regressing; it means you are human. Build a record of relief moments (times you laughed, concentrated, or felt peaceful) so that when the next wave hits, you have evidence that it will pass again.
Rabbi Nat Ezray told Sandberg to 'lean in to the suck'--to expect the grief to be terrible rather than fighting it. Sandberg had been spending enormous energy trying to control her grief, box it up, and perform normalcy. When she accepted the rabbi's advice and simply expected each day to be hard, the surprise and self-judgment subsided. Her mother taught her structured breathing (in for 6, hold for 6, out for 6) to ride through the acute waves, and her goddaughter Elise counted aloud with her until the panic passed.
Rabbi Nat Ezray, who led Dave's funeral, told Sandberg to 'lean in to the suck'--to expect it to be awful. Sandberg noted the ironic contrast with her famous phrase 'lean in' but found it was exactly what she needed to hear. She had been fighting the grief, trying to box it up, and failing. Accepting that the situation simply sucked freed her from the additional suffering of being surprised and alarmed by her own anguish. Documentary filmmaker Davis Guggenheim reinforced this by telling Sandberg to let her grief run its course rather than trying to control it. A psychiatrist friend explained that humans are evolutionarily wired for both connection and grief, meaning the tools for recovery are already built in but require acceptance to activate.