The Advice Monster Taming Method
Stop giving unsolicited advice and start asking powerful questions
Michael Bungay Stanier identifies the Advice Monster as the internal compulsion to jump in with solutions whenever someone shares a problem. The monster is driven by three beliefs: you add value by having answers, the other person cannot figure it out without you, and solving their problem feels good. While well-intentioned, this habit creates dependency, disempowers the other person, and often solves the wrong problem because you jumped to solutions before fully understanding the situation. The framework teaches you to tame your Advice Monster by staying curious longer, asking questions instead of giving answers, and trusting others to develop their own capability through the struggle.
- Your instinct to advise is about your ego not their growth
- Solving others' problems creates dependency not capability
- The first problem presented is rarely the real problem
- Staying curious longer leads to better outcomes for everyone
- Catch Your Advice Monster in ActionFor one week, notice every time you feel the urge to give advice, offer a solution, or tell someone what to do. Mark each instance on a tally counter or in a notebook. Do not try to change the behavior yet, just build awareness of how often your Advice Monster shows up. Most people are shocked to discover they give advice dozens of times daily without being asked.Pro tipPay special attention to moments when someone pauses mid-story and you jump inWarningThe urge will feel urgent and virtuous - that is the monster's disguise
- Replace Advice with the AWE QuestionWhen someone brings you a problem, instead of offering a solution, ask the AWE question: And What Else? This simple question prevents you from solving the wrong problem by ensuring you hear the full picture. Ask it at least three times before even considering offering input. Most people present a surface problem first; the real issue usually emerges after the second or third And What Else.Pro tipTolerate the silence after asking - do not rush to fill itWarningThis will feel painfully slow at first - that discomfort is your Advice Monster resisting
- Ask the Focus QuestionOnce the full picture has emerged, ask: What is the real challenge here for you? This question accomplishes three things: it narrows the conversation to the core issue, it keeps ownership with the other person by saying for you, and it prevents you from solving a problem that is not actually the most important one. Let them identify the real challenge before you offer any support.Pro tipEmphasize the words for you to keep the focus on their experience
Bungay Stanier describes a manager who was working 70-hour weeks because every team member brought problems to her desk and she solved them all. After learning to ask questions instead of giving answers, her team members began developing their own problem-solving capability. Within three months, she had reduced her hours by 15 per week while her team's performance actually improved.
Bungay Stanier developed this concept through his work as a leadership coach and founder of Box of Crayons. He noticed that the most common leadership failure was not a lack of knowledge but an inability to resist giving advice. Leaders who asked questions instead of providing answers consistently developed stronger, more capable teams. The concept became central to his bestselling book The Coaching Habit, which teaches managers to be more coach-like in their daily interactions.