The And Stance
Don't choose between stories; embrace both
The And Stance is a mental shift from either/or thinking to both/and thinking in difficult conversations. Instead of believing you must either accept the other person's story and abandon your own, or defend your story and reject theirs, you hold both stories simultaneously. Both can make sense because each person has different information, different past experiences, and different interpretations.
The And Stance is based on the assumption that the world is complex. You can feel hurt and they can feel hurt. You can have done something stupid and they can have contributed in important ways to the problem. You can feel furious with them and also feel love and appreciation for them. These are not contradictions; they are the natural complexity of human experience.
The stance gives you a place from which to assert the full strength of your views and feelings without having to diminish the views and feelings of the other person. You do not need to give up anything to hear how someone else sees things differently. Understanding their story does not require you to abandon your own.
The And Stance is particularly powerful when delivering bad news. It allows you to be clear and firm about your decision while simultaneously acknowledging the other person's feelings, perspectives, and pain. It replaces the agonizing choice between being honest and being kind with the recognition that you can be both.
- Don't choose between stories; embrace both. Both perspectives can make sense at the same time because each person has different information and interpretations
- Understanding someone else's story does not require you to give up your own. Curiosity and assertion are not opposites
- The world is genuinely complex: you can feel hurt and they can feel hurt; you can have contributed and they can have contributed
- The most useful question is not 'Who's right?' but 'Now that we really understand each other, what's a good way to manage this problem?'
- The And Stance applies even when you are certain you are right, because difficult conversations are almost never about objective truth but about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values
- When delivering bad news, the And Stance lets you be clear and empathetic simultaneously rather than choosing between them
- Notice the Either/Or TrapCatch yourself framing the situation as a choice: either I am right or they are right; either I acknowledge their feelings or I hold my ground; either I accept their view or I reject it. This binary framing is the signal that you need the And Stance.Pro tipListen for yourself thinking or saying words like 'but,' 'however,' or 'on the other hand.' These often signal either/or thinking. Try replacing 'but' with 'and' and notice how it changes the meaning.WarningThe either/or trap feels natural and obvious. The very fact that it seems like common sense is what makes it so hard to escape.
- Seek to Understand Their Story FirstBefore worrying about whether to accept or reject the other person's perspective, simply work to understand it. Ask questions. Listen. The mere act of understanding does not require you to agree or to abandon your own view. It simply adds information and builds the foundation for the And Stance.Pro tipRemind yourself: understanding is not agreement. You can fully understand why someone sees things the way they do and still hold a completely different view.WarningDo not fake understanding or pretend to agree. Genuine curiosity about how the other person's story makes sense to them is what makes the And Stance authentic rather than manipulative.
- Assert Both Stories Using 'And'Express your view and acknowledge theirs in the same statement using the word 'and.' For example: 'I understand you feel the deadline was unreasonable, and I felt frustrated when the deliverable was late.' Or when delivering bad news: 'I've decided to end this contract, and I understand this creates real difficulty for your team, and I'm not changing my decision, and I want to talk about how to make the transition as smooth as possible.'Pro tipThe And Stance can be chained: 'And... and... and...' Each 'and' adds another layer of complexity and truth. In the most difficult conversations, there may be five or six 'ands' that all need to be said.WarningThe And Stance is not about being vague or noncommittal. You can be clear and firm about your position while holding space for theirs. Clarity and empathy are not opposites.
Developed as part of the Difficult Conversations framework at the Harvard Negotiation Project. The concept emerged from the observation that people in conflict routinely assume they must choose between their own perspective and the other person's, leading to either aggressive advocacy or passive capitulation. The authors found that the most skilled communicators had learned to hold complexity, recognizing that both perspectives could be valid simultaneously without requiring agreement.