The CRIB Method
Find mutual purpose when you and the other person want different things
The CRIB method is a four-step process for resolving impasses in crucial conversations when you and the other person genuinely want different things. While Contrasting works when purpose is misunderstood, CRIB works when purpose is genuinely different. The acronym stands for Commit to seeking mutual purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a mutual purpose, and Brainstorm new strategies.
The method rests on a critical distinction between strategies and purposes. Most arguments are about strategies — the specific plans, positions, or demands people have staked out. But underneath every strategy lies a deeper purpose — a need, desire, or goal that the strategy is meant to serve. A couple arguing about whether to take a job transfer is arguing about strategy. The underlying purposes — financial security, family closeness, career growth — may actually be shared. CRIB helps you move from the strategy level (where conflict lives) to the purpose level (where agreement often already exists).
Once a shared higher-order purpose is identified, people can brainstorm entirely new strategies that serve that shared purpose. This often produces solutions that neither party originally imagined — solutions that are better than either person's opening position. CRIB transforms zero-sum negotiations into creative problem-solving sessions.
- Most conflicts are about strategies, not purposes — people often share the same underlying goals
- Committing to mutual purpose means genuinely abandoning the goal of winning
- Recognizing the purpose behind someone's strategy requires empathy and genuine curiosity
- A mutual purpose must be meaningful to both parties — it cannot be a token gesture
- New strategies that serve a shared purpose are usually better than either person's original position
- The willingness to suspend your own strategy is essential — but it is not the same as surrendering your purpose
- Commit to seeking mutual purposeMake a genuine commitment, out loud if necessary, to find a solution that serves both parties. Stop trying to win. Verbalize this commitment: 'I want to find something that works for both of us.' This shifts the dynamic from adversarial to collaborative.
- Recognize the purpose behind their strategyAsk yourself and the other person: 'Why do you want that?' Separate the strategy (what they are demanding) from the purpose (what they are trying to achieve). Often people cling to strategies because they cannot see any other way to meet their underlying needs.
- Invent a mutual purposeLook for a higher-order purpose that encompasses both parties' underlying goals. This may require moving to a more abstract level: from 'I want this specific job offer' to 'We both want financial security and family stability.' The mutual purpose must be genuine and meaningful to both people.
- Brainstorm new strategiesWith the mutual purpose as the north star, brainstorm new strategies together that serve the shared goal. Be creative. The best solutions often emerge from the collision of different perspectives working toward a common end. Evaluate each option against the mutual purpose.
A husband received a lucrative job offer in another city. His wife did not want to leave her community and support network. They were stuck on incompatible strategies: accept the offer or reject it. Using CRIB, they committed to finding a shared solution, then examined their underlying purposes. His: career growth and financial security. Hers: community connection and stability for their children. Their mutual purpose: building a thriving family life with both financial security and deep relationships.
The authors observed that skilled communicators, when faced with apparently irreconcilable differences, consistently performed a move that less skilled communicators did not: they separated what people wanted (strategy) from why they wanted it (purpose). This allowed them to find common ground at a deeper level and then generate creative solutions. The authors formalized this into the CRIB acronym as a teachable, repeatable process for breaking through impasses.