The Encouragement Approach
Replace praise and rebuke with gratitude, encouragement, and expressions of joy to build intrinsic motivation and genuine horizontal relationships.
The Encouragement Approach is Adler's alternative to the praise-and-rebuke system that dominates most families, schools, and workplaces. Most people assume praise is positive and rebuke is negative, but both are negative in Adler's view because both are vertical: they assume the right to evaluate another person from above. When you praise someone ('Good job!'), you are implicitly saying 'I have the authority to judge your performance, and I have judged it positively.' This creates dependency: the praised person becomes addicted to your evaluations and modifies their behavior to earn more praise. When praise is withdrawn or replaced with rebuke, the person feels devastated. The Encouragement Approach replaces both praise and rebuke with three horizontal alternatives: gratitude ('Thank you, that helped me'), encouragement ('I see your effort and I believe in your ability'), and expressions of joy ('I am happy when you contribute'). These communicate value without creating dependency because they operate between equals rather than from a superior to an inferior.
- Praise and rebuke are both vertical acts that create dependency and undermine autonomy.
- Gratitude acknowledges contribution without evaluating the person.
- Encouragement supports effort and ability without judging outcomes.
- Expressions of joy communicate your feelings without evaluating their behavior.
- The goal is intrinsic motivation through Community Feeling, not extrinsic motivation through evaluation.
- Audit Your Praise and Rebuke PatternsFor one week, track every time you praise or rebuke someone. Note the exact words, the context, and the relationship. Common praise phrases: 'Good job,' 'Well done,' 'You are so smart/talented.' Common rebuke phrases: 'You should have,' 'That was wrong,' 'I am disappointed.' Each instance is a data point showing your vertical communication patterns.Pro tipAlso track when you receive praise and notice how it makes you feel. Do you feel genuinely valued, or do you feel evaluated? The difference reveals whether the praise was horizontal acknowledgment or vertical judgment.
- Learn the Three Horizontal AlternativesMaster the three replacements. Gratitude: 'Thank you for doing X. It helped me with Y.' This acknowledges contribution without judging the person. Encouragement: 'I see you working hard on this. I have confidence in your ability.' This supports effort without evaluating outcomes. Joy expression: 'It makes me happy when you contribute to our team this way.' This shares your feeling without evaluating their performance.Pro tipThe linguistic shift from 'You are good' (evaluation) to 'I appreciate what you did' (gratitude) or 'I am happy about this' (joy expression) is small but transforms the relational dynamic.
- Practice Replacing Praise With GratitudeEach time you catch yourself about to praise, pause and reformulate as gratitude. Instead of 'Great presentation!' say 'Thank you for that presentation. It clarified several points I was struggling with.' Instead of 'Good boy!' say 'Thank you for cleaning up. It made the evening easier for all of us.' Gratitude connects the other person's action to its impact without judging the person.WarningThis will feel awkward and even withholding at first. People accustomed to praise may interpret the shift as coldness. You may need to explain: 'I am trying to express appreciation differently, by thanking you for how your actions impact me rather than judging your performance.'
- Practice Replacing Rebuke With Honest DialogueEach time you catch yourself about to rebuke, pause and reformulate as honest horizontal dialogue. Instead of 'You should not have done that,' say 'I see it differently. Here is my perspective.' Instead of 'I am disappointed in you,' say 'I care about this outcome and I want to understand what happened from your perspective.' Replace judgment from above with curiosity between equals.Pro tipHonest dialogue does not mean suppressing disagreement. It means expressing it as a perspective rather than a verdict. 'I disagree' is horizontal. 'You are wrong' is vertical.
- Build the Environment for Intrinsic MotivationAs you consistently use gratitude, encouragement, and joy expression instead of praise and rebuke, the people around you will gradually shift from extrinsic motivation (performing for your evaluation) to intrinsic motivation (contributing because it generates satisfaction). This transition takes time. Be patient and consistent. The reward is relationships built on genuine mutual respect rather than evaluative dependency.Pro tipThe philosopher notes that a person with genuine Community Feeling does not need praise because they can feel their own contribution. The Encouragement Approach creates the conditions for Community Feeling to emerge.
A teacher who traditionally says 'Good work, A+' to top students and 'Try harder' to struggling ones shifts to the Encouragement Approach. To the top student: 'Thank you for your thorough analysis. It added a perspective the class had not considered.' To the struggling student: 'I see you working on this section. I have confidence you will work it out. I am here if you want to talk through your approach.' Neither student is evaluated; both are acknowledged as contributing members of a learning community.
A manager who traditionally gave annual performance reviews (the ultimate vertical evaluation) shifts to ongoing Encouragement Approach dialogue. Instead of rating employees on a 1-5 scale, they express gratitude for specific contributions ('Your solution to the client issue saved us significant time'), offer encouragement for challenges ('This is a difficult project. I have confidence in your ability to navigate it'), and share honest perspectives when they disagree ('I see this differently. Let me share my reasoning, and I would like to hear yours').
Adler and his student Rudolf Dreikurs developed the encouragement approach as an alternative to the behaviorist reward-and-punishment model. They observed that praise, while appearing positive, creates the same dependency as punishment. A child who works for praise will stop working when praise stops. A child who works for intrinsic satisfaction and the feeling of contribution will continue regardless of external evaluation. In the book, the philosopher asks the youth a pointed question: 'When you do good work and your boss praises you, how do you feel?' The youth says he feels good. The philosopher then asks: 'And when the praise stops? When the boss is silent? Or when they criticize?' The youth admits he feels terrible. This emotional roller coaster reveals praise-dependency. The Encouragement Approach breaks this cycle by removing the evaluative component entirely.