Shared Power Principle
Accept your partner's influence and share decision-making for lasting equality
Gottman's fourth principle states that happy couples let their partners influence them. This means genuinely considering your partner's perspective, sharing power in decision-making, and treating the relationship as an equal partnership. His research found that marriages where one partner refuses to share power have a significantly higher failure rate.
This principle was particularly notable for its research finding about gender dynamics. Gottman's studies showed that men who allow their wives to influence them have happier, more stable marriages. This does not mean capitulating to every request, but rather genuinely valuing the partner's input, searching for common ground, and being willing to compromise.
The shared power principle stands in contrast to relationship models that reinforce rigid hierarchies or traditional power dynamics. Critics praised this aspect of Gottman's work for being compatible with feminist principles, highlighting equality as a predictor of marital success rather than an ideological preference.
- Happy couples share power and influence in decision-making
- Accepting your partner's influence does not mean giving up your own voice
- Equality in relationships is not just an ideal but a predictor of success
- Searching for common ground strengthens the partnership
- Respecting your partner's competence and perspective builds mutual trust
- Audit Your Decision-Making PatternsReflect honestly on how decisions are made in your relationship. Who typically has the final say on finances, parenting, social plans, and household matters? Note any areas where one partner consistently dominates without genuine consultation.Pro tipAsk your partner for their honest assessment of the power balance. Their perception may differ significantly from yours.
- Practice Active Consideration of Your Partner's InputWhen your partner expresses an opinion or preference, practice genuinely considering it before responding. Ask clarifying questions. Look for the merit in their perspective even when you initially disagree. This builds a habit of valuing their influence.WarningPretending to consider your partner's input while having already decided is worse than being openly disagreeable. Authenticity matters.
- Search for Common Ground in DisagreementsWhen you disagree, shift from trying to win the argument to finding a solution you can both live with. Identify the parts of your partner's position you agree with and build from there. Compromise does not mean one person losing - it means finding a third option that honors both perspectives.
- Embrace Your Partner's Strengths and ExpertiseRecognize areas where your partner has greater knowledge, skill, or insight, and defer to them in those domains. Sharing power means leveraging the strengths of both partners rather than one partner controlling all domains.Pro tipJulie Gottman's clinical expertise complemented John's research expertise. Their willingness to value each other's different strengths made their partnership more effective than either could have been alone.
When developing their relationship theory together, John wanted rigid, research-based formulas while Julie wanted flexible guidelines drawn from her decades of clinical practice. They argued extensively, but ultimately John had to learn to respect Julie's knowledge from her years of therapeutic work with real people.
Gottman describes how in his own marriage, his desire to have children was fulfilled, and Julie's dream to have a house in a forest was also realized. Neither partner's dreams were subordinated to the other's.
Through his four decades of observing couples, Gottman noticed that relationships with asymmetric power dynamics were consistently less stable. His research specifically challenged popular models like that presented in the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,' which Gottman's data suggested reinforced unhelpful power imbalances.
Gottman also drew from his own evolving understanding of gender dynamics. He observed that as women became more empowered in society, men who adapted by sharing power had stronger relationships, while those who resisted this shift saw their marriages deteriorate. He argued that men need to learn to embrace their partner's assertiveness rather than viewing it as a threat.