The Fondness and Admiration System
Nurture mutual respect and appreciation as a daily practice to sustain love
Gottman's second principle centers on the idea that fondness and admiration are the antidotes to contempt, the most destructive of the four horsemen. When couples maintain a habit of expressing genuine appreciation and respect for each other, they build an emotional bank account that can sustain them through difficult times.
The research showed that couples who viewed each other positively and expressed that positivity regularly were far more likely to remain happy over time. This is not about ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. It is about ensuring that the overall tone of the relationship stays positive, maintaining the five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions that Gottman found in stable marriages.
The system works because it counteracts the natural human tendency toward negativity bias. Without deliberate effort, people tend to notice and remember what goes wrong more than what goes right. The fondness and admiration system is a structured practice to reverse this tendency within a relationship.
- Fondness and admiration are the direct antidotes to contempt
- Maintain at least a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions
- How couples remember their shared history predicts their future
- Appreciation must be expressed, not just felt internally
- Small daily expressions of fondness matter more than grand gestures
- Revisit Your Shared History with WarmthTogether, recall the early days of your relationship. How did you meet? What attracted you to each other? What were your happiest memories together? The ability to recall your history with fondness is a strong indicator of the health of your relationship.Pro tipIf you find it hard to recall positive shared memories, this is a warning sign that requires attention, but the memories can often be recovered with guided effort.WarningWhen couples have completely rewritten their history to be negative, Gottman found that the marriage is in serious danger.
- Create a Daily Appreciation PracticeEach day, identify at least one thing you genuinely appreciate about your partner and express it. This can be about their character, something they did, or simply something you admire about them. Say it out loud or write it down for them.Pro tipBe specific rather than generic. Instead of 'You are great,' try 'I really appreciated how you handled that situation with the kids today. Your patience impressed me.'
- Monitor Your Internal NarrativePay attention to how you think about your partner when they are not around. Are your thoughts predominantly positive or negative? If negative thoughts dominate, consciously redirect toward qualities you admire and moments of genuine connection.
- Express Admiration During ConflictEven during disagreements, find ways to communicate respect. Acknowledge your partner's perspective, express that you value them even when you disagree, and avoid language that communicates contempt or superiority.Pro tipPhrases like 'I see your point' or 'That makes sense from your perspective' can maintain admiration even in heated moments.
John and Julie Gottman model this principle in their own relationship. Julie admires John's unusual sense of humor, while John admires Julie for her work helping veterans and people with serious mental health challenges. They openly express what they appreciate about each other.
Gottman found in his research that when couples began describing their history together in negative terms, recasting early happy memories as signs of problems, the marriage was approaching its end. The loss of fondness for shared history signaled the erosion of the relationship's foundation.
Gottman's lab studies revealed a striking pattern: couples whose marriages ultimately thrived maintained a baseline of positive regard for each other even during disagreements. They would express appreciation, make affectionate comments, and show interest in each other even in the midst of conflict. Couples heading toward divorce had lost this baseline of fondness.
The research also showed that the presence or absence of fondness and admiration was a powerful predictor. Couples who could still describe their early relationship with warmth and detail were far more likely to stay together than those who had rewritten their history in a negative light.