The Advice Monster
Tame the urge to give advice so you can stay curious and coach effectively
The Advice Monster is the deeply ingrained urge to leap into advice-giving, solution-providing, fix-it mode whenever someone presents a challenge. Even with the best intentions to stay curious and ask questions, the Advice Monster hijacks conversations. Before you realize what is happening, your mind turns toward finding The Answer and you are offering ideas, suggestions, and recommended ways forward.
This happens because organizations place a premium on answers and certainty, our brains prefer clarity over ambiguity, and we have been promoted and praised for years for providing advice. The result is that we often provide solutions to problems we do not fully understand, creating overdependence in our teams and robbing people of the opportunity to grow.
The Advice Monster operates through the Rescuer role of the Karpman Drama Triangle, where you constantly leap in to solve problems and take over responsibilities. While advice has its place, it is an overused and often ineffective response. Research shows that doctors interrupt patients after an average of just eighteen seconds, and managers often do the same. The antidote is building the habit of asking 'And what else?' which is the simplest way to keep your Advice Monster under restraints.
- Your advice is not as good as you think it is
- The first answer someone gives is almost never the only answer and rarely the best answer
- Giving advice feels more comfortable than the ambiguity of asking a question, but comfort is not the goal
- When you offer to help someone, you raise your status and lower theirs whether you mean to or not
- Rescuers create Victims even though we want to believe it is the other way around
- The goal is not to never give advice but to stop it from being your default response
- Notice the MonsterWatch yourself for a day and count how many times you are ready and willing to provide an answer before fully understanding the problem. Notice the triggers: when someone asks 'How do I...?', when a solution pops into your mind, when you think 'It's faster to do this myself.'Pro tipA 1984 study found that doctors' average time to interruption was eighteen seconds. Time yourself to see how you compare.WarningDo not judge yourself for having an Advice Monster. Everyone has one. The goal is awareness, not self-criticism.
- Identify Your Drama Triangle RoleRecognize whether you are defaulting to Rescuer (jumping in to fix), Victim (feeling powerless), or Persecutor (blaming others). Most managers default to Rescuer. Notice how you cycle through all three roles in a single conversation.Pro tipThink of the most annoying person on your team right now. Notice how quickly you jumped to Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer all at once.WarningThese are descriptions of behavior, not identity. You are not inherently a Rescuer; it is a role you play when triggered.
- Deploy the AWE QuestionWhen the Advice Monster surfaces, ask 'And what else?' instead of giving your answer. This self-management tool keeps you curious and keeps the other person generating their own options. Ask it at least three times.Pro tipWhen someone directly asks 'What should I do?', respond with 'That's a great question. I've got some ideas, but before I share them, what are your first thoughts?'WarningDo not be robotic about it. Stay genuinely curious each time or the question loses its power.
- Ask the Lazy QuestionAsk 'How can I help?' to force a clear request and stop yourself from assuming you know how best to help. This breaks the Rescuer pattern. Remember you can respond with Yes, No, a counter-offer, or 'Let me think about it.'Pro tipSoften the question with 'Out of curiosity' or 'Just so I know...' if the direct version feels too blunt.WarningYou are not obligated to say Yes. Your sense of obligation to say Yes is the source of your anxiety about this question.
A team member asks 'How should I handle the client complaint?' Instead of immediately prescribing a solution, say 'That's a great question. What are your first thoughts?' Then follow with 'And what else could you do?' and 'Is there anything else?' Only after they exhaust their own ideas do you add yours.
You start a conversation as Persecutor ('This room setup is all wrong!'), the other person responds as Victim ('I sent the setup sheet but no one listened'), you shift to Rescuer ('Don't worry, I'll just rearrange it myself'), they become Persecutor ('Typical prima donna'), and you become Victim ('No one understands how hard this is'). Breaking this cycle requires asking 'How can I help?' to stay in an adult-to-adult dynamic.
Michael Bungay Stanier coined the term Advice Monster through his coaching training programs at Box of Crayons. He observed that even after managers completed coaching training, they consistently defaulted to giving advice within seconds of hearing a problem. The metaphor of a monster captures how the urge to advise feels involuntary, like something leaping out of the darkness and hijacking the conversation. It connects to Edgar Schein's research on helping, which reveals that offering help inherently raises your status and lowers the other person's, and to the Karpman Drama Triangle's Rescuer role, which creates Victims rather than empowered team members.