The Platinum Rule of Support
Ask people what they need instead of giving what you would want
The Golden Rule says treat others as you want to be treated. The Platinum Rule says treat others as they want to be treated. In the context of supporting someone through adversity, this distinction is critical because what helps one person can hurt another. Some grieving people want company; others want solitude. Some want to talk about their loss; others want distraction. Defaulting to what you would want in their situation projects your needs onto their pain.
The Platinum Rule of Support means offering specific, concrete help rather than the generic 'let me know if there is anything I can do.' That well-meaning phrase shifts the burden of figuring out and requesting help onto the person who is already overwhelmed. Instead, provide specific options: 'I am going to bring you dinner. Do you want lasagna or chicken?' The act of making a plan and showing up consistently is what Sandberg calls being a 'button'--giving someone a sense of control and support they can rely on.
Research on stress shows that even the knowledge that help is available reduces physiological distress. In classic experiments, people endured loud noise better when they knew they could press a button to stop it, even though none of them actually pressed it. Being someone's button means making it unambiguously clear that you are available, not waiting to be asked.
- Do not say 'let me know if there is anything I can do'--it shifts the burden to the sufferer
- Offer specific help and specific choices rather than open-ended availability
- Show up consistently over weeks and months, not just in the first few days
- Being someone's 'button' means they know you are there even if they never press it
- People who have experienced similar adversity often provide the most resonant support
- Offer Specific Help ImmediatelyWithin the first days, make concrete offers: 'I will pick up your kids from school on Wednesday,' 'I am ordering groceries for you--send me your list,' 'I will be at your house at 7pm tonight.' Do not wait to be asked. People in crisis are too overwhelmed to organize their own support system.
- Become Their ButtonMake it explicit that you are available whenever they need you. Adam Grant writes his phone number on the board for students. Sandberg's family made clear they would be there every night. The knowledge that support is available reduces distress even when it is not actively used.
- Follow Their Lead on CommunicationSome people want to talk about their loss; others want distraction. Ask which they need right now. Be an 'opener' who asks questions and listens without judging, but also be willing to talk about sports or movies if that is what gives them relief in the moment.
- Sustain Through the Long TailThe flood of support in the first weeks fades fast, but grief does not. Mark your calendar to check in at one month, three months, six months, and around anniversaries. The loneliest period is often months after the loss when everyone else has returned to normal life.
Bedtime was the hardest part of Sandberg's day because the empty bed symbolized everything that had changed. Her mother lay beside her every night for the first month until she fell asleep. When her mother left, her sister Michelle took over, coming multiple nights a week. When Michelle could not come, she arranged for a friend to fill in. They made it clear they would always be there, transforming bedtime from the most dreaded moment into one where Sandberg felt held.
The framework crystallized from Sandberg's experience receiving wildly different types of support after Dave's death. Some friends disappeared entirely. Others showed up with such overwhelming frequency that it became its own burden. The most helpful supporters were those who offered specific help without waiting to be asked: her mother who lay down beside her every night until she fell asleep, her sister who came multiple nights a week for months, friends who brought concrete plans rather than open-ended offers. Adam Grant formalized this insight by connecting it to the stress research on control and the concept of 'openers' from psychology, people who ask questions and listen without judgment.